Baby Envy

by Robyn Wright on August 23, 2012

in Living

baby feetI am 42. My husband had a vasectomy years ago. No more babies for me. This makes me sad. I really am struggling with baby envy right now. Not just baby envy even, but young children envy. My son is 17 and just does not need me like he used to. I feel like my mom time is ending, but I do not want it to at all. Do you ever feel that way? Like you have a lot more momminess left in you?

If it were up to me I would actually adopt some kids. To me it would not matter if they were infants or not even. However, Hubby and T are not on board with that at all – they both want nothing to do with expanding our family. Without everyone being willing it just is not possible sadly.

So many of my online friends are sharing that they are newly pregnant lately. I am so thrilled for all of them, but very envious at the same time. Not that I really am great at being pregnant, but just the fact that they get to experience starting at the beginning again. Then there are all the back to school pictures of the kids the last few days. T stared school a couple of weeks ago – this is his last year – sigh. Plus in high school there is no room parties to volunteer to be a room mom at, no family fun nights at school, no open house where the kids are so excited to show you their new desk and introduce you to their newest teacher.

I do understand that I have a lot of wonderful things in my life. I appreciate them all. But still, sometimes, I still just want to have that little baby to snuggle with, or the toddler to tuck into bed, or the young ones to bring me home an “I love mom” craft project home from school. Planning the perfect Halloween costume, making plans to see Santa, helping them create a fun box for their Valentine’s at school, and going to school to see them perform in the elementary school spring concert. Sigh.

When I tell people about my baby envy they say “you can borrow mine”, but it is not the same. I do have my wonderful nephew Colby to spoil, but again it is not the same. Yes, I can volunteer and various agencies and schools to enjoy time with other’s children too, it’s just not the same as my own though.

Have you been through this?

© 2012, Robyn Wright. All rights reserved.

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{ 13 comments }

1 Trina August 23, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I’m one of those first time pregnant moms and I can tell you that you may not even realize how wonderful and needed the advice of people like you (that have been there) is. There is so much to be worried about etc. It has really gotten me through some times where I was scared.
I understand this post, but I just want to let you know you may be doing way more good than you know.

2 Robyn's Online World August 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Thank you Trina and congratulations on the baby on the way!!!! I’m so glad that you are finding comfort in some of the advice from those of us who have been there, done that. It is a fine line to walk to not seem pushy, plus they change the “rules” about parenthood all the time. Sending positive thoughts for a wonderful pregnancy, delivery, and life with your new baby!

3 RoundRockGal August 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I had baby envy in my mid 30’s after having born two sons. I desperately wanted a little girl but my husband said no. Then after one too many margaritas we both threw caution to the wind, and wouldn’t you know it. Surprise! Our beautiful daughter was born, but with physical and intellectual disabilities. The doctors all said she wouldn’t live a year. Boy were they wrong. She will be turning TWENTY next month and is the light of our lives.

4 Diane August 23, 2012 at 7:30 pm

I actually had this convo with my gyno last year. She was worried that i might be experiencing “baby envy” since I was 28, had no kids, and she figured all my friends must have kids by now. About half do, but I don’t have baby envy at all.

When I first got with my now fiance, I told him I had to know if he wanted more kids (he already had a daughter from a previous relationship). He was honest and said he wasn’t sure, it would depend on our living and financial situation. At the time, I was secretly jealous that he had a kid with someone else, and not me. I never pressured him, but I wanted to get married and have babie(s). As I got older, and we stayed together, It became less and less important to me to have kids. We have been together 8 years now and I think I have gotten really comfortable in my currently lifestyle. I think it might be different If I had a lot of close friends that I saw all the time that had babies.

5 Kristin August 23, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Thanks for sharing this, Robyn. Wow. This really hits close to home for me. I have a somewhat unique situation…I have four children with my ex-husband (and had a tubal ligation after #4) and 4 years ago, was reunited with the man I have loved since I was 15…he has 5 kids by his ex-wife. So, with 9 combined, we don’t “need” anymore and at our age (I’m 42, he’s 48), he had ZERO desire to have any more children, period. Having a child together meant (at times, means) A LOT to me…and it is a bitter pill to swallow. When I hear about friends (even some who are my age) getting pregnant and having babies, it hurts. It might sound silly, but I want that. I’m jealous, envious, angry, disappointed, whatever. All of the above, I guess. Baby envy is a tough thing to deal with…because people make light of it or dismiss you as being silly or impractical, etc. But, it’s very real. *sigh*

6 tannawings August 23, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Every woman at one time or another has had baby envy (and men too) if they have never been blessed with children if their choice was to have kids. If they are unable to conceive for whatever reason those are the folks who hurt the most.
Soon though you will have grandchildren, it will seem like a long time, but it will come, and when it does, you will be the best Grandma ever!

7 Linda M. Ramos August 24, 2012 at 7:24 am

I fought this for a few years while trying to have another baby after Annaleah. I had already had that only child and I wanted siblings to grow up together. David is 12 years older than Anna. They do not have a close relationship. I cried many many times. I remember sobbing one particular day.. Just begging the Lord to remove my desire because it hurt too much. Now, many years and a grandson later. I believe I know why we were not able to have another child. After finding out Angel had cirrhosis for many years undetected and then my health issues, it made sense. Also, I must say, having Ethan here daily, listening to him and Anna fight constantly.. (they are 6 years apart) has definitely curbed those baby blues. I am so thankful he has grown up here and love to look back at the baby years when Anna was so helpful with him. I am also ready to move on in life. Although there are some days when the yearning comes back for just a little bit.

8 Tiffany Winner August 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

We only went a year without being able to conceive but it seemed like forever so i had major baby envy then. I dont know where you stand spiritually but if you’re a praying woman, definitely pray about it. God can put a desire in your hubby to adopt. Just an idea…
thismomwins@gmail.com

9 Rose August 26, 2012 at 11:45 am

Oh, how I feel your pain.
I suffer baby envy also, wanting my own little one again. Then I think on the other hand, I don’t really want to start over. With my oldest having recently graduated high school and my youngest a freshman in high school, I miss being needed.

I’m fortunate enough that my nieces and nephews live close enough and I get to coddle their little ones as much as I want. The 2 year old thinks “go home” means to come to our house so tells his Mommy that he wants to go home all the time.

I watch my 17 month old great-nephew when his Mom works though the week. I spend A LOT of time with these little ones that range in ages from 7 months to 10 years old. I think I’m blessed to live vicariously through their parents …. so to speak.

10 Ravzie August 26, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I guess I’m the rare bird. I’ve never been maternal. Always thought it would “kick in” one day, never has.

11 Shannon Whitfield September 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Oh, this made me cry. I’m not there yet as my kids are still little (my oldest just started preschool) but someday I will feel like this. My husband is going in for a vasectomy soon and I already feel sad about it! I’m sure that I will have those moments of wanting to snuggle a tiny one (and smell a sweet baby head..ah, how I love that..:) The fact that I’m horrible at being pregnant and now getting on the older side of things will hardly matter in those moments, but those are the things I’ll have to remember to bring me back to reality, I guess..(sniff, sniff)

12 MichelleS October 19, 2012 at 9:57 pm

My little one is two and I’m already feeling this way; not exactly baby envy where I’m going to try for another one, but it pulls at my heart seeing her grow up so quickly. All my friends have these wittle things and for a moment I wish my daughter was back to that age. The age where she stayed wrapped in my arms, savoring the moment, being her protector from the harms of the world.

13 terry petero January 26, 2013 at 2:54 am

Robin have you thought of fostering, and maybe that would change some minds . it helps that child out to as they have no home and normally family trouble which is why they need this. Im sorry you feel so sad about this i pray it all works out.

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