Does Heartache Ever Heal? More about what’s happening with my son

by Robyn Wright on April 8, 2015

in Living

A few weeks ago I shared the latest on my son moving out. I said life is hard but I will be okay and I meant it, but I am wondering if the heartache will ever really heal. I heard from so many of you about your own experiences with your children – teens and young adults – and how the situations improved as they got older. Hearing all of your stories was really helpful to me. It always is nice knowing you are not alone. This is why I share my story here on my blog too.

That being said…

I’m still feeling heartache.

I love my son so very much and it just truly hurts my heart with the way our relationship is right now. Tough love is necessary I know but it is so very hard. There is nothing I want more than for him to be happy and successful in life. I know he has the capability to do this, but he is just not “there” yet. I get it – he is at an age that almost everyone is still trying to figure life out. As his mom I want to help him but I can’t fix everything for him, he has to take responsibility for his own life and actions.

Last week I had to turn off his cell phone account and his girlfriends. Ugh. I so did not want to do this because even though he is not on great terms with me it was a way for me to communicate with him. We had an agreement for him to pay $20 a week for their phones and I even helped them set up an automatic payment to me for it with their bank. I got one payment that way. Then nothing. I tried to be patient because he was not working and the girlfriend was in transition with job, his car was broke, she had no car, and they had just moved out of our house and in with a member of her family. I waited and didn’t say anything. One week they asked if they could skip the payment because of needing to buy uniforms for work – I said okay. At least they told me something. But then, nothing. So finally last week I decided I had to stick with my agreement and turn the phone lines off.

…I feel more disconnected from him than ever…

That heartache just seems to get deeper rather than healing. There is something about heartache that is about your child that does not compare to anything else that ever happens. As a mom I want the very best for him and I want him to understand that all that I do is to help him have the best. Part of that best is letting him grow and develop into the amazing man I know he can. Nothing I do is to hurt him…ever…ever…ever.

The ache in my heart I feel because of the way he feels towards me right now is just unbearable.

I saw him on Easter for a few minutes. We took some of the things he still had at our house down to him. I tried to make small talk but his answers were curt. I gave him an Easter basket – because that’s what moms do. Before I left I told him, “I love you” – because that’s what moms do. His coldness is just so hard to handle for me.

Does the heartache ever heal?

[signoff]

© 2015, Robyn Wright. All rights reserved.

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{ 24 comments }

1 Dawn Schamp-Monzu April 8, 2015 at 8:54 pm

Oh Robyn, I wish I could give you huge hug… even though, right now, that probably wouldn’t help much. I know the heartache (& heartBREAK) you are feeling! When my daughter and I were going through this, I just wanted her to know I was doing the Mom thing only because I loved her! At that time, every time I talked to her, she would say such hurtful things to me. I wasn’t sure we would EVER have a relationship again. I know my words are just that…WORDS! I promise this too shall pass! Faith is the only way I was able to get through it. You have many people that care about what you are going through…I’m one of them. If you ever need to talk, or someone to listen…I’m here. God bless you and your family Robyn.

2 Robyn Wright April 9, 2015 at 1:41 pm

Thank you so much @dawnschampmonzu:disqus – it helps to hear stories where things get better for sure XOXO

3 Enza April 8, 2015 at 10:25 pm

((hugs)) My heart hurts reading this post. I pray that you can work out your relationship together sooner than later. Glad you are sharing.

4 Robyn Wright April 9, 2015 at 1:41 pm

Thank you @disqus_DJavFKLURo:disqus

5 brendashandmade April 9, 2015 at 12:24 am

I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m praying for you.

6 Robyn Wright April 9, 2015 at 1:41 pm

Thank you @brendashandmade:disqus

7 Susan Bonifant April 9, 2015 at 8:13 am

Robyn, can only imagine this. I don’t have words to make it easier of course, but if he is to look hard at himself he will have to grow tired of blaming/resenting you first. If that’s what he’s doing, let time pass. As I read this, I could feel how it must hurt, and yet didn’t get the feeling you’d be here forever. Much as they struggle, our kids DO grow and eventually mature, and you will be there waiting. Good luck.

8 Robyn Wright April 9, 2015 at 1:42 pm

Thank you @susan_bonifant:disqus – it does hurt, but I always have hope that things will improve.

9 AngelaLilly April 9, 2015 at 8:45 am

You are breaking MY heart. There is so much pain in this post and I just HATE it. I hate that you are going thru this and I know that being strong like this takes it toll on you emotionally and spiritually, but I just want to say keep it up. You ARE doing the right thing, even if it hurts now. Pain in the short term WILL lead to happiness in the long term. I firmly believe this. Until that day though, I am sending you loving, strength energies to help you get thru this. Be strong and take care of yourself. XOXO

10 Robyn Wright April 9, 2015 at 1:43 pm

Thank you, as always, for all your support and kindness. Looking back I think you are right that short term pain can lead to long term happiness!

11 AngelaLilly April 13, 2015 at 8:38 am

YW! I know this is true, as I have been there many times. It is never easy and, at the time, it seems like things will never improve. But, they usually do and usually are better than they were before whatever happened happened! I hope that makes sense. LOL HUGS!!!!

12 KymberlyFunFit April 9, 2015 at 10:27 am

Looks like it was either your son mistreating and blaming you, or you eventually resenting your son. Not great choices either way. Ouchie. It takes a lot of love and foresight to set and adhere to boundaries. My fingers are crossed for you!

13 Robyn Wright April 9, 2015 at 1:43 pm

I do not resent my son in the slightest. It is hurtful, what he does and says, but I still love him always!

14 jenleereeves April 9, 2015 at 11:27 am

I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. I am very early in the “tough love” stage with my ADHD son and I know we’re fighting a similar fight but at a younger age. I look forward to having a chance to hug you in person… I’m sure it will happen!

15 Robyn Wright April 9, 2015 at 1:45 pm

{{{HUGS}}} I hope things don’t get too rocky for you and your son. I’ve been doing this for years now and I NORMALLY focus on all of his positives and it helps me thru the harder times. Ready to hug you as soon as I see you!

16 coupontammy April 9, 2015 at 2:06 pm

Oh Robyn my heartaches for you! It is so tough sticking to your word. What you are doing is the right thing. You have to be a parent and make the tough decisions. I think eventually he will see that you were doing what you had to do. I always tell my kids that first and foremost I am the parent and then your friend. Parents have to sometimes do the tough things. You are teaching him that you stand by your word. It will eventually get better! The heartache will ease. He will also realize that you had no choice, he made the choice for you. He may be cold and distant right now, that is his age. In his heart of hearts he knows you love him and are Always there for him! Hang in there! Things will eventually get better! Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your husband.

17 Robyn Wright April 9, 2015 at 2:12 pm

Thank you so much @coupontammy:disqus – the logical part of me understands, it is just the heart that feels so much pain

18 rm29303 April 9, 2015 at 5:11 pm

I went through the same exact thing with my son. I had to ask him to leave and it just about killed me BUT it was the best thing that I ever did. It took a while, but he had no choice but to grow up and take care of himself when he figured out that there was nobody left to do it for him. He got a job, a place and a car and is doing so much better now. It took almost two years, but I am glad now that I did it because I don’t think he would have ever taken the initiative on his own without being forced to. I went back to read your other post and I had to laugh at what your son said to you, his last words, exactly what my son to me when he left. It will take quite a while but you did the right thing and he will become a better, stronger man because of it.

19 Robyn Wright April 9, 2015 at 5:22 pm

Thank you so much for sharing about you and your son. Amazing that they had the same words – not that they are unusual for this generation – but still… I’m so glad to hear your son is figuring things out and doing better now!

20 1RedPrix April 9, 2015 at 10:52 pm

If you could not post false or personal information regarding me or my fiancee online I would greatly appreciate it.

21 tannawings April 10, 2015 at 1:41 am

Its tough to watch them make mistakes, its tough to watch them stumble. T I am sure is feeling the world is against him… the broken truck, the job, the living with someone else. pressures from all directions. I have watched people not stick to their guns and really it has caused far more harm than good. They end up with Peter Pan living in their basement at 40 or the princess (same situation). It also makes for horrid relationship problems down the line.
Short answer…. nope, it doesnt get easier when you have to take a stand, but it does eventually work out. There will come a time when they realize it was out of love you did the things you did.

22 Sarah J Jackson April 10, 2015 at 1:07 pm

Such a tough thing to go through , honestly I went through all this on the other side when I was a teen and I gotta say I did learn ! I learned pretty quick and then built and awesome relationship with my Dad , I had more respect for him and I will always know that the things he did were to help me not to hurt me , that being said I hope your son will grow the same way .

23 GlArthy April 12, 2015 at 8:50 pm

Long distance support for you Robyn. Remember to eat wisely to nourish your body to take you through this phase. We don’t know how long it will last but good that followers are helping to keep your spirits up.

24 blessedta May 7, 2015 at 9:50 pm

Very interesting

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